Tuesday, Feb. 11, 2003 - 11:11 a.m.
Okay, I'm back. I didn't die, I don't have cancer, and I haven't given up on detailing the minutia of my every day life for you. Hurray, say some, and Curses! say others. What's a girl gonna do? I didn't have any fresh pictures, and I'm sure I'm going to catch hell from the critics, but I thought this one was hilarious. It was literally a "Jim, look at my belly button!!" Jibe away.
I have no idea where to start, I haven't written in weeks and so much has happened! James and I have finally worked out the majority of the kinks of The Move, and let me tell ya, there were a million. We sat down one night over a bottle of wine and decided that we are going to be out of LA by the 28th. No freaking out about money any more, no more plane tickets, no more extraneous long distance bills piling up. No more parking tickets, no more hazy cloud hanging above my city, no more missing my James. Everything will shortly be on the up and up, if only I can survive these next two and a half weeks. Therein lies my only set of problems. I never realized how troublesome this city could be until trying to get out of it. What a debacle! So many things to take care of, and all by myself.
Moving has made me realize that I have been all by myself for such a long time and not even realized it. Living alone, dining alone, driving around alone. Don't get me wrong, I know tons of people, but I don't think I have many close friends in Los Angeles, and I'm no longer as close to the ones in Oklahoma and Colorado as I'd like to be. I have allowed myself to get into a very frightening zone of James Is My Everything. EEP! I need to get to New York and make friends fast. I'm not going to let our relationship combust on account of my lapse in courage. This means getting a job, making friends, focusing on a career with some sort of creative expression. It just can't work any other way. I am at a point where I'm slowly starting to realize that I need to make my life fulfilling instead of just waiting around for it to fill me up. Damn, that's good stuff. I should write these things down! Oh, wait...
As far as my health is concerned, I'm feeling normal again (FINALLY!) after my colonoscopy. Turns out, I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and internal hemmorhoids, which can all be directly attributed to stress. After all the Ex-Lax, after all the phosphosoda, after all the Citrucel and home enemas (4, thankyouverymuch) and even after sticking my fucking hand up my fucking ass, STRESS. I had to flush out my system to the point where I was basically peeing out of my butt so they could stick a scope up there while I was mildly sedated (although not sedated enough, I woke up in the middle of it all, belligerant as all get out) for STRESS?! How stressed must I be, really? I didn't even realize it. I have been worrying about money and career stuff, about moving to New York, about being so much in love over 3,000 miles, and it has all knotted up in my bowels (there's a family history) to make me miserable. Seriously, the only real "cure" for it is to put me on anti-depressants, and otherwise, we're just going to wait it all out. I can't believe the stuff that happens to me sometimes. Everything's going well until the clouds open up and God says, "I hate you, Sarah!" All in the name of Stress.
I am getting a haircut tomorrow with the money that my family has given me to help me out. Just trying to be nice to myself, even in my poverty. The Move is paid for, but I've got to score some extra work or something in order to feed myself for the next two weeks. I need to get on some sort of regular diet, complete with veggies and coffee, things that I cannot afford when I have no money. I essentially subsist on tuna; tuna and random things my mom has sent me over the past couple of months... Ramen, soup bowls, some sort of Weight Watchers chocolate things (what's up with that, yo? We already know I'm a little touchy about that sort of thing...). Its all pretty much disgusting. I'm just glad I bought some couscous when I had some cash.
Did I ever tell you about when I used to be fat? It was 8th grade through Freshman year in high school and I wasn't a vegetarian yet. I had gotten braces and a bad haircut, I was 4'10" tall, and had no real friends. I was the same weight I am now, but 6 inches shorter. I had this thing with McDonalds. I swear, me and my brothers used to go there 4 times a week for their cheap food, and I'd waltz in and eat 2 Big Mac Extra Value Meals, SuperSized, in a sitting. I think that's where a lot of initial tension started with my mom... little comments like, "Sarah, maybe you SHOULDN'T eat that second Big Mac," with that disapproving look that says, "Sarah, you're getting a little beefy. Stop knocking back the double stacks of meat patties, eh? That special sauce must be completely lard-based." Rough times. There was a lot of family upheaval and I found that I do the whole Comfort Food thing. I eat to make me feel better. Bad move, and it totally set the stage for lots of future problems and complexes, but that is something that I pay more attention to nowadays and am in the process of correcting. I was 12 and 13, damnit. I had skipped first grade and was a little less than socially adjusted. Braces were no help (although I'm grateful for them now, and even volunteered for the process, because I knew I'd love the outcome) and my hair... always a problem. I have really thick hair, folks. I look like one of Marge's sisters on The Simpsons if I don't get it professionally cut, and those were the days of SuperCuts. I didn't know any better. Eventually, I grew taller, stopped eating meat, and things got much better in the whole appearance department. It all took time, though. I shouldn't have eaten those Big Macs out of spite, though. That's another gem: Don't eat food out of spite. Oh! And don't ever argue with the date on yogurt. I opened up a Yoplait the other day (only ten days old!) and it had fur on it.
Blech, I'm rambling. I have to pick up my replacement checks from Sushi Hell Hole, for after two weeks of them sitting on their asses about it all, they have finally agreed to pay me my rightful money. WOOHOO! Its about time. I've got to cancel my cable and phone services today, too. Gotta shower. There's this thing I may have called ADD, is it possible to develop that at 20?